My latest Substack post includes me reading the poem River (below).

Sez Kristansen has created this piece: Held within a current, moved by an ocean (I think only for paying subscribers) which picks up her theme of acceptance. She writes “I believed that by becoming enlightened, my circumstances and other people would no longer be a burden. It was my way of transcending all the ways life felt painful and uncooperative. But I realise that this is just another way the mind-made-self tries to separate us from the real and relative challenges of being human”. 

I have felt huge freedom at stepping away from an expectation of being enlightened. However it means I/we still need to engage with life as it is, which is tricky and messy to practice! I still don’t like it when things go “wrong” (or more likely don’t go my way!). However, instead of beating myself up when I “fail” again, I’m learning to be kinder to myself. And part of that kindness, I believe, is a need to experience and embrace grief for what might have been as we practice acceptance of what is.

Indeed, one of Francis Weller’s Gates of Grief is “What we expected and did not receive”: grief for unmet needs, especially from childhood (love, protection, guidance, or belonging we should have had but didn’t). As I’ve grown older many things that I “expected” have not materialised, at least not in the “expected” manner. A specific one for me is my inability to be a biological dad: I have two adopted children (now grown-up and each with their own children) and I have lived with this reality for 50 years. And yet I also acknowledge grief for not having had the experience of being a biological dad, and having no idea what that feels like.

This need to accept our reality and the need to grieve can both be true at the same time. Both need to be acknowledged as part of the messy stuff of being human, especially as part of giving up any expectation of being enlightened!!

Here’s a poem using the image of River. As you read or listen to it, consider aspects of your life where things didn’t go as expected, or you didn’t have enough time, and so on. Acknowledge these, and if necessary give yourself permission to grieve, as part of the process and practice of acceptance of what is.

River

River flows towards Ocean

Where each atom, each part

Will no longer identify as River

As it merges into the larger reality 

Of being Ocean

*

Rachel of River

Knows that one day soon

She will be Olivia of Ocean

And she accepts her reality

*

However, sometimes she wishes she’d had more time

As Stream, gurgling from the earth and rejoicing in the sky above

“So beautiful”

As Waterfall, crashing down the hillside 

“So exciting”

As Pool, taking some time to ponder

“So meaningful”

As Rapids, thundering between the rocks

“So stimulating”

As Meanderer, flowing between meadows, fields and woods

“So gentle”

As Estuary, merging into Ocean

“So full of anticipation and also scary”

*

She grieves for what might have been

As well as being grateful for being River

Joyfully entering and becoming

Ocean